Sunday, October 24, 2010

What is the Real Secret To Overcoming Jealousy?

Coventry University, UK 
In our relationship coaching work with individuals and couples, when the issue of jealousy comes up-- the one question we're asked more than any other is "how do I stop the jealousy?"
When people ask us this, they've got a jealousy problem and most of the time they really know it.
In our own lives we have a terrific relationship but the truth is that one of the things we've had to overcome in order to create this wonderful relationship is the issue of jealousy.

This may surprise you. But, it's true. We've had our own demons to deal with concerning jealousy and we've come through the other side with a truly incredible relationship.

This is one of the reasons we're so passionate about helping people get rid of it.
We get so excited when we're able to give someone the tools to stop the jealousy and take their life back.

For example, in one seminar that we gave on jealousy, one man got an instant "ah-ha" about the root cause of his jealousy and how to heal it in his life. Another person had jealousy issues surrounding money nearly every time he interacted with a friend. After reading and working on our material, he was able to let his jealousy go. Another woman had been jealous for as long as she could remember. With the information we were able to share with her, she was able to get to the bottom of why she was jealous. As you can imagine, she was very grateful!

The important thing for you to understand is that anyone can heal the issue of jealousy-- including you.
So, if anyone like you or these people we just mentioned can truly can heal the issue of jealousy --how do you do it? As amazing as it seems, to get rid of jealousy, it's 99% done if you do just this one thing...

Here's The Most Important Thing You MUST Do In Order To Overcome Jealousy... 
We could beat around the bush about it but why don't we just go ahead and tell you about this one thing that by itself will single-handedly determine whether you're able to let go of jealousy or not. We know what you're thinking--that it sounds almost too good to be true that one thing and one thing only will be able to make the difference as to whether you can whip this issue or not but it's true.

So what is it?

This sounds so simple but it's the one thing that almost no one is willing to do to overcome jealousy and create better relationships and a better life.This one thing is-- taking responsibility for having jealousy as an issue and making the commitment to heal the issue no matter what.

You see, many people "say" they want to heal this issue but the sad truth is that almost everyone with the issue of jealousy will do everything but take responsibility for it and make the commitment to healing it.After working with hundreds of individuals and couples to help them overcome jealousy, we can absolutely tell you one thing about overcoming jealousy...

Without taking responsibility for having the issue and making the commitment to healing it--the jealousy will never go away. It will just continue to hurt like pouring salt into an open wound until you make the decision to once and for all do something about it.
Why Most People Don't Heal Their Jealousy and Create Closer and More Loving Relationships Even After Knowing This Important Secret... 

There many reasons why people don't heal their jealousy issues even though they can right now and here's one of the biggest reasons of all...

The pain hasn't gotten bad enough.That's right, as crazy as it sounds--for some people the pain simply hasn't gotten bad enough or done enough damage to their relationships for them to finally throw up their hands and say "I've had it" and surrender and finally decide to put an end to their misery.
Another challenge around jealousy that many people have is that they simply don't believe that they can do anything to heal the jealousy. They think of it as sort of a "problem that's just a part of who they are" and think there's nothing they can do about it.

For other people, their self esteem won't allow them to have the love they want and they keep jealousy with them all the time as a wedge between the pain they are experiencing now and what they want for themselves.
There are lots of other reasons why people don't heal the jealousy issues in their lives such as fear of changing, past experiences with partners who have cheated on them and no trust in their current partner.
While there are many reasons why people don't heal the issue of jealousy, the truth is that there are only two things that determine whether you overcome jealousy or not.

We already talked about the fact that taking responsibility for having jealousy as an issue in your life and making the commitment is the big factor in healing it-- on the next page we'll tell you about the other thing you MUST do if you want to overcome jealousy and put it behind you forever.
What Else MUST You Do To Overcome Jealousy ? 
Even though we told you that you were 99% of the way towards healing the jealousy in your life if you would just take full responsibility and commit to doing whatever it took to healing it-- there's one more important factor that many well intentioned people miss and here's what it is...

Some people think that setting goals, having intentions and making the commitment to overcome jealousy is going to put an end to the madness that jealousy causes but are surprised, confused and frustrated when it doesn't. After all-- if you took responsibility and made the commitment isn't that enough?

The sad truth is that it isn't.

You need something more and what you need are the skills and tools that show you how to do it.

Imagine a carpenter who got up early and started his day very eager to get to work and build a new house that he was working on and when he got to the job site, he realized that he didn't have the right tools for the job.

In this situation, no matter how positive and excited he is about building a great house, he simply isn't going to make any progress until he gets the right tools that he needs to start construction.

It's the same way in relationships. In order to stop jealousy cold in its tracks and keep it from raising its ugly head again, you can be as positive as much as you want, say affirmations till you're blue in the face and have the best of intentions but until you have the right tools, you'll never heal this issue and take back control of your life.

So, if the only other thing you need to heal jealousy is the right tools, then what are the "right" tools and how do you get them?

One of those tools is to learn to recognize when your jealous thoughts come up and what to do to stop them when they do.  These thoughts usually take the form of what we call negative "stories" that keep your jealousy going about your situation.
Here's a question we have our coaching clients ask themselves to help them stop the harmful "stories" and determine whether they're real or not --"Is this a fact or is this a story that I've made up about what this situation means?" 

An example of when you might ask this question is--Your partner is good friends with a beautiful person of the opposite sex at work and you find that you are very jealous.  Your partner has never given you any reason to mistrust them but you can't help worrying when you know they will be working on the same project together and it's driving your crazy.

When you start making up "stories" that have your partner leaving you for this other person, you can ask yourself the question that we gave you in the previous paragraph. Your answer to this question should help you to separate what's truly going on right now in this present moment from fears that are based solely on your past experiences.
When you are able to separate the "facts" from your stories and stop your jealous thoughts and behaviors, you will be on your way to healing your life.
What about when intense or unexpected feelings of jealousy come up all of a sudden--what do you do then?

A powerful tool for handling emergency situations like this when jealous feelings come up unexpectedly is learning to "breathe" into your jealous feelings and here's what we mean...

In "emergency" or intense situations, what we recommend to our coaching clients (and to you) is that you consciously breathe deeply and simply allow those feelings to be there without acting on them. 

This sounds counter-intuitive but it does really work! You might think that if you focused on the feelings that they will intensify, but if you are  "breathing into" those feelings, the exact opposite happens.

Most of our coaching clients tell us that when they use this technique, they are able to think clearer and separate fact from fiction much more easily as opposed to when they don't.

Here are some other thoughts and ideas to help you overcome and eliminate jealousy...

In order to overcome jealousy, you sometimes have to be courageous and act boldly (mostly with yourself.)

You're going to have to become much better at expressing yourself with clear open, honest and clear communication.

To heal your jealousy, it's also going to require you to do some things and face some issues head on that may be difficult to do.

Please understand that this is just part of the journey and even though it may not be easy at times, the rewards of a great relationship that is free of jealousy and full of possibilities are tremendous.

In working with hundreds of individuals and couples, we've found that your beliefs about whether you can overcome jealousy or not will be one of the single biggest factor that determines your success or failure.

You have to learn to see and believe that your past does not equal your future. That no matter what has happened with previous partners and past relationships, those things aren't necessarily going to be a part of your experience in the future. 

My advice--  start right now in this moment with a feeling that you can overcome jealousy and you're going to figure out how.

This sounds like very simple advice but it's really valuable. If there's anything we know for sure, it's this...

The most important asset you have going for you in your search for ways to let go of your jealousy issues are your beliefs and attitudes about whether you think and feel that you can do this or not.

As one author once put it, "Whether you believe that you can do something or not, you're right."
Healing the issue of jealousy is completely doable and you can start right now.

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